haix haix

haix....
wei tian tian seem 2 lik her bf alot sia...
seem lik i don stand a chance...
but lik i say i will change...
i will try harder...
hopefully she may lik me....

i tot i can get through

alot of ppl say i was a very strong person...
but the fact i was a very weak person...
i find out in my blog i never write wat type of person i was...
alot of person tot i was a very strong person even my own sister say the same thing...
she every time will say even if throw me in the forest i can live very well...
yes is true tat...
i do haf the skill 2 live well myself...
but i aint a person tat do not lik 2 b alone...
never was...
from young..
there is was alot of problem i tot was nth...
1st is my family...
my parent haf their problems..
they cant gif me wat i wanted...
but really understand wat type of feeliin i haf...
they r gd parents...
but just tat they do not know how 2 see how we feel...
tat all...
but i tot it was alrite...
but now i do not know how 2 talk 2 them...
n added on..
bcuz of my brother...
me my parent will start a fight when we start talkiin...
haix..
y my brother rite??
from young, only my aunt n my brother is the only person tat care 4 me, but bcuz my aunt live far so mean i don see her often n my brother was 9 yrs older then me tat mean he don haf much time 4 me...
but bcuz of a woman..
bcuz of enjoy he changes...
or he was alway lik this tat i don know...
now..
me n my parents n brother is lik water n fire...
not many people know about it..
n only my sister see it...
in other people eyes..
we seem 2 b a normal family...
but the fact is not...
2nd
was my skin problem...
from young...
my skin problem was very bad...
bcuz of this...
i don haf much friends....
the best part is...
i was treated lik a monster..
tat was the time i haf the first feel lik i was not important 2 any1...
i was only 8 when i feel this way...
at tat time i was no hope at anything..
cause wat ever i hoped 4 never happen..
i was a very hot-temp person...
not many people think tat way of me now sia...
bcuz i don belive n hope things..
i show alot of my temp 2 people...
this causes people 2 stay away from me...
then after a few yrs...
i suddenly feel tat y am i alife??
since most of the time i was alone...
at tat time i was 12...
cute rite...
12 yr old wan 2 die sia...
i almost jump down a buildiin...
but bcuz a kid, i understand something about life...
life was never itself..
hu gif me life..
n how i should repay them by gifiin me life...
n i know it feel beiin alone n hurt...
i can help others tat haf the same problem..
the first time i haven done it..
but the sec things, i am proud 2 say...
i been doiin it...
i love kids now..
but i wasnt lik this when i younger...
i hate them..
cause at tat time i never inderstand y can kids laugh n smile lik no worry de...
n most of all...
they don hate...
i undertand y when the kid so call save me...
u know tat kid ar...
i bully him/her b4 (cause i 4get how the kid look lik n don rmb the kid is a gal or boii)..
when i was about 2 jump...
the kid was there..
the kid ask me...
kor kor can play ball wif me...
my parent don let me go downstair play..
only u here can peii me play ma...
i never think anything..
my mind was blank..
but i know i walk down n play wif the kid...
after tat the kid went hm..
so did i...
when i was goiin hm...
i was there thinkiin..
he should hate me..
y do the kid still wan 2 play wif me...
i suddenly understand this...
if life is full of hate...
wat is life 4??
this was the only thing in my life now tat i belive...
so don worry...
i wont gif up my life le...

ofcuz...
i haf alot of bad things..
lik..
hot temp...
sometime think 2 the bad side 2 much...
act..
doiin things over head...
doiin alot of wrong things..
sometime when i was wrong i will never say i was wrong..
haix ya...
i got alot of bad things de la...
no matter wat i still human de ma...
ofcuz got alot of bad things de...
but the best things...
i keep remind me wat i did wrong wan 2 keep chagne 2 b the better...
sometime...
i really wan 2 change back 2 hu i was last time...
yes i was hot-temp..
don talk 2 any1...
but at least i wont care the problem i faciin now...
i know this is call runniin away...
but i really don know wat 2 do..
there is a way i know la...
but..
it wont happen 2 me le la...
i gif up le...
tat is find a gf..
reason ar..
haix yo i lazy 2 write wor..
hahaha
see lor mayb i will explain next time...
beiin hu i am b4..
is oso goiin back 2 where i started...
hopefuly things will turn out gd ba...
haix...
tired le la...
haix yo...
so long never write so long de blog le wor...
haixx...

again n again.. likiin the wrong person..

first rebecca...
now wei tian..
haix..
y do i always fall in love wif the wrong person...
mayb gals tat i lik r not mena 4 me ba...
i wonder...
wat happy thing tat will make me happy??
my life just gettin worst everytime i see it...
my family don seem lik a family anymore...
my feeliin is gettiin die..
i been through alot of things..
everytime i get over the problem some way or another..
another problem will come...
n 1 is harder then another 2 cross..
i really do not know how long can i hold on...
i really need some1 wif me..
support me...
but..
haix...
mayb people tat was born alone haf 2 face alone...
last time..
i use 2 think there is nth tat can stop me...
but now...
even if is the things tat i love..
i am 2 tired of tryiin le...
i really want 2 haf love..
2 b loved...
but tat seem 2 b so far away...
mayb just mayb...
is better 4 me 2 haf only myself in my life...
then mayb i will b happier...

haix.. the more i understand the worst i get...

sometime i just hate myself 4 liviin in this world...
or the time i in...
cause the thinkiin i haf...
is aint at my age...
put it this way...
the age i am now in...
is the kid...
then thinkiin i haf..
is the old man...
when u put both 2gether...
there will b a crash...
tat cause alot of problem now...
haix...
seem lik i haf 2 make a choice now...
or this problem will get worst...

sometime i really hate myself 4 hafiin this old man inside me...
but again...
ytd suddenly i understand this..
i haf this old man is bcuz wat happen 2 me in the past...
n those idiot things tat happen is bcuz of my skin problem...
but wat if i don haf this type of skin problem wat type of person i will b??
i will b a fucker...
a person will only think 4 himself n only care 4 himself...

now i start 2 know wat the fuck did god get me this type of skin problem...
is 2 let me understand things...
but how much does god wan me 2 undestand till my skin get better???
haix...

4get it la....
tired of thinkiin this type of things le...

this few weeks...
really alot of things happen...
i almost do tat thing wif my god daughter...
work oso fuckiin alot of problem...
family 2...
haix...

o ya this yr i understand something in life...
if we really wan 2 do things rite..
as in do gd in business or study or even in bgr...
u will need only 3 things....
ur heart...
ur eye..
n ur hands...

rebecca is moviin house le...
i think is 2day or next week ba...
seem lik is really a bit bit 2 her le wor...
hahaha
shit...
y do i still love her tat much..
shit shit..
haix 4get it la..
thi is life...
when u love some1
is very hard 2 not love tat person...
mayb i should learn from her...
hate her..
hahaha
but i just cant...
haix..

wat a month...

wat is happeniin 2 my life???
is gettiin worst everyday...
o ya...
jeremy is still my friend..
but mayb is we r both busy wif our things..
so don really meet much...
i goiin back 2 study le..
hopefully i can study la..
but cannot oso cant..
must die die go n study...

ytd went 2 meet gui min...
cause something happen 2 her tat cause her very very down...
which i could not get it out of her mouth...
but if i am not wrong...
is about her ex...
n her life...
i know the problem is always there de...
mean the fire is there long ago...
but now...
the CLEVER Terrence make the fire bigger...
now she don even listen 2 wat i say anymore...
sometime i should follow my heart more then my brain...
my heart really wan 2 gif up on gui min le..
but my brain tell me i cant do tat...
cause she will a very bad end...
haix...
don care le la...
i try my best 2 help her...

i really find out i really lik let others think i am a idiot...
or not tat smart at all sia...
this mornin i was talkiin 2 a gal...
but i don know how 2 spell her name...
y cant she haf a easier name...
she so lik white should call angel lor...
hahahaha
i bluff her those things i told her is from library...
hahaha
she really belive sia...
but i do know some thing from books...
but mostly is from by lookiin at others or wat i haf been through...
but i haf 2 bluff..
cause how many ppl will really belive wat i say is mostly from my own brain..
diao...
don care..
hahaha
finally now i haf other things 2 worry other then rebecca things..
but y??
y can i haf a feeliin 2ward a gal 4 so long...
n she treat me lik shit???
i really don understand...
haix...
mayb this is life ba

hopefuly not....

seem lik me n jeremy wont b tat close le ba...
haix...
sometime i hate myself...
alot of time when i help..
they wont understand..
n ofcuz...
the way i help them seem funny...
i pull his pants down not really bcuz of fun...
is bcuz..
i wanted 2 let his friends say bad things about me..
so tat the gal he lik wont think he is a gay...
but...
haix..
i know is not rite..
but i just feel tat i haf 2..
i know wat will happen....
tat y..
haiz..
4get it le la...
i use 2 b the bad person..
don mind another time..

is it my body is gettin worst??
the pain in my body is gettiiin worst everyday...
gettin more tired..
hopefully not...
hopefully is i think 2 much...
haix....

is been so long since i blog...

is been so long since i blog...
so many things happened...
i thought after leaviin intercon..
i wont not able 2 see her again i wont feel 2 much just miss..
tat is wat i thought tat was the only problem i haf..
but it aint it...
is just tat rebecca thingy cause me not seeiin 2 much of others problems...
let see this few month wat haf happened??
haf some problem wif money...
then broke kinship wif bro..
haf a very big fight wif parent...
been lik a stranger 2 them now...
new w0rk problems...
o ya..
lost some friends bcuz of bro...
been more n more don know wat i should do...
i think tat it ba...
haix...
sometime i rather 2 b a very normal person or even a ugly fat person...
then me...
i hate myself...
i really do...
hate i haf this type of skin problem..
hate i haf this type of family..
hate 2 haf a thinkiin ahead of others...
hate myself unable 2 explain things 2 other...
hate myself unable 2 express 2 others...
i even hate myself 4 not beliviin myself...
i really tired...
really do..
so many time i so needed a shoulder, in the end i ended up lend others my shoulders...
i really don know how 2 ask ppl 4 help...
or mayb i 2 use 2 gifiin???
gifiin in...
guess wat...
i run in2 a friend tat i know long ago..
he say i change so much...
i was never a push over...
i rather hit tat person tat pushes me then gif in 2 tat person...
but he say...
is better tat way la...
can go on better then i use 2 b...
he oso say..
scare wat..
u not cant fight not cant hit back..
u just choose not 2 only..
when u do...
pls tell me, i will run 2 KL sia...

hahaha
was i tat scary???
i didnt know sia...
the only thing i know is tat..
i goiin 2 army soon..
i plan 2 go oversea study...
hopfully tat my oversea study will let me 2 b happier...
let me 4get those unhappy things...

still the same thing...
hope u will happy..
but i don know y...
i still loves her...
even thought is pass by a yr plus le...
shit...
now ppl thought i am a gay sia...
haix...
tc rebecca...

wat the fu*k is happen 2 me???

wat is this feeliin i hafiin now???
is been goiin 2 b a yr le...
y is this fu*kiin heart pain is gettiin worst???
y???
really is tat so hard 2 love a guy lik me???
ppl alway say i am a gd person a gd boii...
but seem lik a gd guy cant get a gal...
or in another hand...
cant let gals fall in love wif me...
but in my life till now...
there is only 1 gal tat loved me b4 tat i know...
but yet i don love her at all...
is it bcuz i once fail a gal tat is y i cant b loved again???
even thought tat i love her tat much...
so gd 2 her???
never mind le ba...
i been keepiin myself busy w0rkiin...
n very soon i wont b able 2 see her again...
cause when i get in2 army..
i wont b w0rkiin at bqt le...
tat is the only place tat i will see her...
n oso she is moviin 2 a very far place le...
after army...
w0rk 4 mayb another half or a yr then oversea study 2 me le...
mean tat by the time i stop 2 rest...
i will b at least 26 27 le...
by tat time she wont b the same or even don rmb hu is samuel yong anymore le...
oso she will b 24 25 le...
wont b married or goiin 2 b le...
or even haf a child le...
hahaha
n passes so many yr...
n mayb..
i may 4get her le ba...
but b4 i go 2 the army...
i will lik 2 haf a clear break up wif her ba...
hopefully she will meet up...
n hopefully i can 4get her abit more...
hopefully...

sometime i really hope my body will break down..
or even been bang down by a car...
lose my past..
4get eveything...
hahaha
i htink 2 much le la...


i really don understand...
is tat so hard 2 fall in love wif me???
hahaha
mayb i was fated 2 b lik this ba...
mayb i aint a gd person in my past life...
tat y i hafiin this fu*ck up life now...

wat am i doiin??

wat am i doiin lately??
doiin things..
but don seem 2 haf heart in doiin anythingy...
haix..
some more my skin problem is gettin worst le..
gd luck 4 me le wor...
haix...
now i think i know y do some ppl feel tat i everytime need ppl pity le...
cause they feel tat i wan ppl 2 pity on me...
is just tat i fake my laugh till i don even know when am i really laughiin or fake again...
mayb i haf 2 stop 2 make fun of myself...
stop puttiin on a clown mask le...
wear the old mask back...
mayb...
see lor i try lor...
hopefully if i change, my suxiin life mayb much more happy le ba...
it`s still feel so hurt when even she scold me or talk about her bf thingy...
haix..
am i tat worthless 2 her...
as in a useless person 2 her??
haix...
i know i aint a very usefully person...
but am i tat worst tat i don even worth 2 b talk about???
haix...
hate it so much...
haix

sch endiin wat 2 do ltr on???

sch goiin end soon...
but i do haf a nite class...
but is just a 2 day a week..
mean tat i got alot of time...
i rejoin tkd le...
haix..
don know is my leg able 2 take it ma...
head level kick cause alot of pain in my kneel..
haix..
don know la..
see lor...
slowly train ba..
or don kick head level..
see ba..
hope my leg will last...
haix..
the week after next i will w0rkiin alot le...
then wait 4 army...
is been almost a month i never see rebecca le...
don know how is she doiin now...
haix...
kind of haf is strong feeliin of hafiin a gf..
or mayb just wan some1 2 peii me ba...
nowadays...
i start 2 become lik last time lik tat...
everyday stay at hm doiin nth...
haix...
now is lik darn boriin at hm lor...
don know wat 2 do...
haix..
but mayb after my pay comes...
buy the rc plane or heli..
i will putiin all my energy in it ba...
goiin 2 china next week...
hopw 2 haf a gd time over there ba...
should b ba..
cause i lik those ppl over there..
they r all very kind n gd 2 me...
is been so long b4 i went back 2 china le..
note this i aint china ppl..
just tat i haf kin over there tat all..
there is some many ppl thought i am from china lor..
they say i talk abit lik china lik tat..
sadiin lor...
i am pure singaporean lor...
born n grow up at singapore de lor...
is just tat i sometime hang out wif china ppl so i may sometime use their way of talkiin..
just 4 the fun...

my life seem 2 in a big mess...

y cant i get over her???
i thought tat i haf given up on her le i wont mind her tat much le...
seem tat when the feeliin 4 her is not there le then i wont feel so ouch le..
seem lik i haf no feeliin of anything...
not lik last time...
small little thing can let me high...
haf 2 mood 2 do things..
now...
i just do things tat i haf 2..
haix...
mayb i must wait till time passes..
mayb lik this i will lost feeliin 4 her...
mayb..
or things 4 me 2 do 2 let me unable 2 think of other things...
then if tat the true...
i still haf 2 haf this type of fuck up feeliin till at least next..
cause next yr i will b in army le...
after tat i will very busy..
cause mostly i will go oversea 2 study le...
if i am not wrong...
when i go oversea..
becca wont b bug by me le ba...
wont feel irritated le ba...
n mayb after i come back from my studys...
she may don even rmb hu the fuck i am le...
she oso may b married n oso may haf kids le ba...
i told myself le...
if i reach 30 i still don haf a gf...
i will single till i die ba...
but hu knows...
hahaha
is seem tat i do haf alot of problems...
i really don know wat is happeniin 2 me...
my body..
those joints...
this few days..
the pain is gettiin worst n longer le..
most of it...
the pain in the head is gettiin worst...
mayb is bcuz i don sleep 2 much le ba..
n the timiin of my sleepiin is lik anytime...
i really really do not know wat 2 do le...
i know i should study...
n save up...
but other then tat wat can i do??
sometime i wish tat i was a single-minded ppl...
at least i wont b thinkiin tat much...
at least i will b happier...
some time i really wan 2 just shout..
let everything come out..
but eveytime i just keep back..
haha
finally...
my body is startiin 2 b tired le...
ok le la...
time 2 go my lala land le...
don know 2morrow can wake up in time ma...
hope so ba...
nite..
bit bit

...been so busy,,,

2morrow is the last day i w0rk at tat Chinese restaurant le...
is been so long i blog a blog...
but anyway...
hu cares??
no1 knoe my blog anyway...
i write blog 4 just 2 write a blog only...
sometime i very hate myself...
yes i do haf strength...
but my body cant let me hold tat much weight le i still carry so many things..
lucky...
till ytd my hand then haf tat idiot pain...
i really don know i can use my strength..
hope can last ba...
this few day...
i learn something new...
when things happens...
face it wif a smile...
even thought tat type of thinkiin is kind of stupid...
but i feel tat is better 4 me...
at least..
smile through it will let me wont think 2 much about it...
or thinkiin of other things tat much...
haix...
i thought tat w0rkiin at other places wont see her anymore...
after all...
she goiin move le..
but in the end still see her...
w0rkiin wif her was lik a nitemare 2 me...
or should say heart broken...
haix..
ppl do changes..
but y do i still stay at the same me...
is it better or stupid 2 b...
but think of it...
i really don know how will i change in2...
or becomiin wat i told her...
i really don wan 2 change till lik this...
it will hurt alot of ppl...
even the ones i care alot...
haix...
4get it la...
let fate take its course ba...
hopefully i will change till a better person ba...
HOPEEEEEEEE....

wat am i doiin???

got a new bed on sat...
nice but abit of girlish...
some more in white...
OMG lor...
haix but better then don haf a bed la...
ytd nite i saw a white bat lor...
i was lik o a bat...
then think of it...
how often do u see a white bat...
haha
i was lik sayiin...
must b good thing goiin 2 happen ba...
but again...
it mayb bad thing...
but i belive tat will b gd thing will happen ba...
or worst come 2 worst..
nth happen ba...
haha

is lik nowaday i lik don even know wat i must do...
or should do...
ytd i heard a chinese song tat was sayiin tat a guy find a present 2 gif his ex a present on her bday...
then the gal say we not break up le ma???
the present gif ur future gf...
then the guy was lik thinkiin tat didnt she say we r still friends even if we break up??
y cant i gif u present??
this song was really lik wat happen 2 me sia..
haha
but i was worst..
cause my ex almost call police..
haha
now i know y some ppl lik 2 sleep..
cause they wan dream...
dream was everytime very happy..
haf a good time...
but when we wake up...
those was just the dreams...
i don know y...
i keep dreamiin of her back wif me sia...
haha

i really don know wat i doiin now sia...
i just know 1 thing...
if my skin can get better..
i mayb able 2 move on...
or will belive in myself more...
i just know tat my skin problem is getiin bad 2 worst lor...
i know i should not mind how ppl look at me...
cause i just hu i am...
but the thing is tat..
the world don turn 4 me...
is 4 the life on earth...
if say i don mind how others look at me is fake de lor...
but i don really mind..
just tat i don wan ppl take me as a monster...
it really don feel gd at all...

anyway i just wan 2 say tat...
i am hu i am...
most of the time u may just see me play around..
lik idiot...
or lik lazy not doiiin things tat i should do...
it does not mean i am lik this...

wat a yr wat a bday..

haix... seem lik my bday is getiin worst every yr...
but at least this yr bday was better...
firsty the is 3 group of ppl celebrate my bday...
the first group i really love them sia...
haha
haha my mother rmb my bday...
this yr was the first time any1 bought me a bday cake sia...
somemore i was shock tat lynn bought a cake 4 me..
haha
wat a gd friends sia... haha
even thought there is some no so happy things happened...
but..
i don really mean...
at least i got a bday cake...
at first i thought it was so food cause i saw the box was polo..
i was lik thinkiin ltr goiin eat steamboat le still buy food ar...
but it turn out 2 b my BDAY CAKE...
happy..
n shock in a way sia...
then the sec group..
was wen kang they all help me celebrate de...
went 2 play pool then after tat i went 2 w0rk le...
after w0rk was meet the last group of friends...
went 2 club.. or can say drink...
at first went a club call home club or wat de...
then went 2 a thai disco...
after tat went 2 jeremy house...
talk crats eat mac...
then after tat me n vincent went house le...

haix.. this yr was really a happy yr at first...
cause this yr was the happiest bday i should haf...
but the celebrate of my bday was not on the 20th...
i leave my bday 2 rebecca...
wanted 2 meet her de...
but on my bday she never come...
meet her was want 2 pass her her present n haf a talk 2 her only...
tat all...
but she never think tat way at all...
she just feel tat i darn irritatiin..
from afternoon i waited till 8 pm...
then i was thinkiin...
i know she never will come wat 4 i wait??
but tat was a promise tat gif myself...
then i was lik think go her house pass her the present la..
hopfully can haf a talk wif her...
but when i went her house she was still at her bf house...
then only her little brother was at hm...
i was lik haix..
then never mind lor..
just call her brother 2 put the present in her room...
but i was afraid tat her mother will see...
so i told her brother i go in 2 put the present la...
but i was saw by her mother friends..
after i left..
went back 2 tat place 2 wait 4 nth...
her mother call n scold me lik siao lik tat...
but i was ready tat her mother will scold me le...
i am oso really tat after her mother...
rebecca will call n scold me oso de..
haha
i was rite...
she call n scold me lik a dogshit...
then she was there sayiin...
say tat do i know y my w0rk place ppl all don lik me..
say tat i not even doiin a gd job at all...
i was darn down...
then she say she can call police bcuz i go in2 her house wif out adult at hm...
i was lik thinkiin.. shit..
i just told her she wan call just call...
but till now the police haven come...
i think she never make a report...
nayb...
then after she hang...
i call 1 of my w0rkiin friends...
told him wat happen..
n ask him really am i not doiin a fine job in w0rkiin...
he was lik huh??
he say no...
n some more in fact i did a better job then the others...
tat wat wat he told me...
was lik the other side of wat rebecca say about me...
after tat...
i call my manger...
my w0rk place head manger...
i asked him tat am i doiin a fine job in w0rk ma??
if not doiin a fine job...
is better tat i leave..
anyway there is alot of ppl tat i w0rk wif don lik me...
is it not better ma??
but my manger told me tat i doiin a fine job...
told me 2 don care about they say about me...
just do my job..get my pay tat all...
i was tat then cool down...
but think of it...
if really i not doiin a gd job in w0rk...
in BQT they wont haf let me w0rk so long de ma....
just wat my another BQT friends say...
is just wat the other see...
if they really wan 2 see how i w0rk see how i do things...
n 2 really know how am i they wont lik this 2 me de...
is not my fault..
is just how the others thinks....
haix
he is rite...
now..
i just do wat i should do le...

2day is rebecca bday...
send her a sms n a friendster message...
hopfully she wont find it irritatiin ba...
some more 2day get back o level marks...
haven see how much i got...
i reall don haf high hope of gettiin high marks la...
haha
some more 2day my laptop die le...
so sad lor...