haix haix

haix....
wei tian tian seem 2 lik her bf alot sia...
seem lik i don stand a chance...
but lik i say i will change...
i will try harder...
hopefully she may lik me....

i tot i can get through

alot of ppl say i was a very strong person...
but the fact i was a very weak person...
i find out in my blog i never write wat type of person i was...
alot of person tot i was a very strong person even my own sister say the same thing...
she every time will say even if throw me in the forest i can live very well...
yes is true tat...
i do haf the skill 2 live well myself...
but i aint a person tat do not lik 2 b alone...
never was...
from young..
there is was alot of problem i tot was nth...
1st is my family...
my parent haf their problems..
they cant gif me wat i wanted...
but really understand wat type of feeliin i haf...
they r gd parents...
but just tat they do not know how 2 see how we feel...
tat all...
but i tot it was alrite...
but now i do not know how 2 talk 2 them...
n added on..
bcuz of my brother...
me my parent will start a fight when we start talkiin...
haix..
y my brother rite??
from young, only my aunt n my brother is the only person tat care 4 me, but bcuz my aunt live far so mean i don see her often n my brother was 9 yrs older then me tat mean he don haf much time 4 me...
but bcuz of a woman..
bcuz of enjoy he changes...
or he was alway lik this tat i don know...
now..
me n my parents n brother is lik water n fire...
not many people know about it..
n only my sister see it...
in other people eyes..
we seem 2 b a normal family...
but the fact is not...
2nd
was my skin problem...
from young...
my skin problem was very bad...
bcuz of this...
i don haf much friends....
the best part is...
i was treated lik a monster..
tat was the time i haf the first feel lik i was not important 2 any1...
i was only 8 when i feel this way...
at tat time i was no hope at anything..
cause wat ever i hoped 4 never happen..
i was a very hot-temp person...
not many people think tat way of me now sia...
bcuz i don belive n hope things..
i show alot of my temp 2 people...
this causes people 2 stay away from me...
then after a few yrs...
i suddenly feel tat y am i alife??
since most of the time i was alone...
at tat time i was 12...
cute rite...
12 yr old wan 2 die sia...
i almost jump down a buildiin...
but bcuz a kid, i understand something about life...
life was never itself..
hu gif me life..
n how i should repay them by gifiin me life...
n i know it feel beiin alone n hurt...
i can help others tat haf the same problem..
the first time i haven done it..
but the sec things, i am proud 2 say...
i been doiin it...
i love kids now..
but i wasnt lik this when i younger...
i hate them..
cause at tat time i never inderstand y can kids laugh n smile lik no worry de...
n most of all...
they don hate...
i undertand y when the kid so call save me...
u know tat kid ar...
i bully him/her b4 (cause i 4get how the kid look lik n don rmb the kid is a gal or boii)..
when i was about 2 jump...
the kid was there..
the kid ask me...
kor kor can play ball wif me...
my parent don let me go downstair play..
only u here can peii me play ma...
i never think anything..
my mind was blank..
but i know i walk down n play wif the kid...
after tat the kid went hm..
so did i...
when i was goiin hm...
i was there thinkiin..
he should hate me..
y do the kid still wan 2 play wif me...
i suddenly understand this...
if life is full of hate...
wat is life 4??
this was the only thing in my life now tat i belive...
so don worry...
i wont gif up my life le...

ofcuz...
i haf alot of bad things..
lik..
hot temp...
sometime think 2 the bad side 2 much...
act..
doiin things over head...
doiin alot of wrong things..
sometime when i was wrong i will never say i was wrong..
haix ya...
i got alot of bad things de la...
no matter wat i still human de ma...
ofcuz got alot of bad things de...
but the best things...
i keep remind me wat i did wrong wan 2 keep chagne 2 b the better...
sometime...
i really wan 2 change back 2 hu i was last time...
yes i was hot-temp..
don talk 2 any1...
but at least i wont care the problem i faciin now...
i know this is call runniin away...
but i really don know wat 2 do..
there is a way i know la...
but..
it wont happen 2 me le la...
i gif up le...
tat is find a gf..
reason ar..
haix yo i lazy 2 write wor..
hahaha
see lor mayb i will explain next time...
beiin hu i am b4..
is oso goiin back 2 where i started...
hopefuly things will turn out gd ba...
haix...
tired le la...
haix yo...
so long never write so long de blog le wor...
haixx...

again n again.. likiin the wrong person..

first rebecca...
now wei tian..
haix..
y do i always fall in love wif the wrong person...
mayb gals tat i lik r not mena 4 me ba...
i wonder...
wat happy thing tat will make me happy??
my life just gettin worst everytime i see it...
my family don seem lik a family anymore...
my feeliin is gettiin die..
i been through alot of things..
everytime i get over the problem some way or another..
another problem will come...
n 1 is harder then another 2 cross..
i really do not know how long can i hold on...
i really need some1 wif me..
support me...
but..
haix...
mayb people tat was born alone haf 2 face alone...
last time..
i use 2 think there is nth tat can stop me...
but now...
even if is the things tat i love..
i am 2 tired of tryiin le...
i really want 2 haf love..
2 b loved...
but tat seem 2 b so far away...
mayb just mayb...
is better 4 me 2 haf only myself in my life...
then mayb i will b happier...

haix.. the more i understand the worst i get...

sometime i just hate myself 4 liviin in this world...
or the time i in...
cause the thinkiin i haf...
is aint at my age...
put it this way...
the age i am now in...
is the kid...
then thinkiin i haf..
is the old man...
when u put both 2gether...
there will b a crash...
tat cause alot of problem now...
haix...
seem lik i haf 2 make a choice now...
or this problem will get worst...

sometime i really hate myself 4 hafiin this old man inside me...
but again...
ytd suddenly i understand this..
i haf this old man is bcuz wat happen 2 me in the past...
n those idiot things tat happen is bcuz of my skin problem...
but wat if i don haf this type of skin problem wat type of person i will b??
i will b a fucker...
a person will only think 4 himself n only care 4 himself...

now i start 2 know wat the fuck did god get me this type of skin problem...
is 2 let me understand things...
but how much does god wan me 2 undestand till my skin get better???
haix...

4get it la....
tired of thinkiin this type of things le...

this few weeks...
really alot of things happen...
i almost do tat thing wif my god daughter...
work oso fuckiin alot of problem...
family 2...
haix...

o ya this yr i understand something in life...
if we really wan 2 do things rite..
as in do gd in business or study or even in bgr...
u will need only 3 things....
ur heart...
ur eye..
n ur hands...

rebecca is moviin house le...
i think is 2day or next week ba...
seem lik is really a bit bit 2 her le wor...
hahaha
shit...
y do i still love her tat much..
shit shit..
haix 4get it la..
thi is life...
when u love some1
is very hard 2 not love tat person...
mayb i should learn from her...
hate her..
hahaha
but i just cant...
haix..

wat a month...

wat is happeniin 2 my life???
is gettiin worst everyday...
o ya...
jeremy is still my friend..
but mayb is we r both busy wif our things..
so don really meet much...
i goiin back 2 study le..
hopefully i can study la..
but cannot oso cant..
must die die go n study...

ytd went 2 meet gui min...
cause something happen 2 her tat cause her very very down...
which i could not get it out of her mouth...
but if i am not wrong...
is about her ex...
n her life...
i know the problem is always there de...
mean the fire is there long ago...
but now...
the CLEVER Terrence make the fire bigger...
now she don even listen 2 wat i say anymore...
sometime i should follow my heart more then my brain...
my heart really wan 2 gif up on gui min le..
but my brain tell me i cant do tat...
cause she will a very bad end...
haix...
don care le la...
i try my best 2 help her...

i really find out i really lik let others think i am a idiot...
or not tat smart at all sia...
this mornin i was talkiin 2 a gal...
but i don know how 2 spell her name...
y cant she haf a easier name...
she so lik white should call angel lor...
hahahaha
i bluff her those things i told her is from library...
hahaha
she really belive sia...
but i do know some thing from books...
but mostly is from by lookiin at others or wat i haf been through...
but i haf 2 bluff..
cause how many ppl will really belive wat i say is mostly from my own brain..
diao...
don care..
hahaha
finally now i haf other things 2 worry other then rebecca things..
but y??
y can i haf a feeliin 2ward a gal 4 so long...
n she treat me lik shit???
i really don understand...
haix...
mayb this is life ba

hopefuly not....

seem lik me n jeremy wont b tat close le ba...
haix...
sometime i hate myself...
alot of time when i help..
they wont understand..
n ofcuz...
the way i help them seem funny...
i pull his pants down not really bcuz of fun...
is bcuz..
i wanted 2 let his friends say bad things about me..
so tat the gal he lik wont think he is a gay...
but...
haix..
i know is not rite..
but i just feel tat i haf 2..
i know wat will happen....
tat y..
haiz..
4get it le la...
i use 2 b the bad person..
don mind another time..

is it my body is gettin worst??
the pain in my body is gettiiin worst everyday...
gettin more tired..
hopefully not...
hopefully is i think 2 much...
haix....

is been so long since i blog...

is been so long since i blog...
so many things happened...
i thought after leaviin intercon..
i wont not able 2 see her again i wont feel 2 much just miss..
tat is wat i thought tat was the only problem i haf..
but it aint it...
is just tat rebecca thingy cause me not seeiin 2 much of others problems...
let see this few month wat haf happened??
haf some problem wif money...
then broke kinship wif bro..
haf a very big fight wif parent...
been lik a stranger 2 them now...
new w0rk problems...
o ya..
lost some friends bcuz of bro...
been more n more don know wat i should do...
i think tat it ba...
haix...
sometime i rather 2 b a very normal person or even a ugly fat person...
then me...
i hate myself...
i really do...
hate i haf this type of skin problem..
hate i haf this type of family..
hate 2 haf a thinkiin ahead of others...
hate myself unable 2 explain things 2 other...
hate myself unable 2 express 2 others...
i even hate myself 4 not beliviin myself...
i really tired...
really do..
so many time i so needed a shoulder, in the end i ended up lend others my shoulders...
i really don know how 2 ask ppl 4 help...
or mayb i 2 use 2 gifiin???
gifiin in...
guess wat...
i run in2 a friend tat i know long ago..
he say i change so much...
i was never a push over...
i rather hit tat person tat pushes me then gif in 2 tat person...
but he say...
is better tat way la...
can go on better then i use 2 b...
he oso say..
scare wat..
u not cant fight not cant hit back..
u just choose not 2 only..
when u do...
pls tell me, i will run 2 KL sia...

hahaha
was i tat scary???
i didnt know sia...
the only thing i know is tat..
i goiin 2 army soon..
i plan 2 go oversea study...
hopfully tat my oversea study will let me 2 b happier...
let me 4get those unhappy things...

still the same thing...
hope u will happy..
but i don know y...
i still loves her...
even thought is pass by a yr plus le...
shit...
now ppl thought i am a gay sia...
haix...
tc rebecca...